Characters: Harry, Ron – with mention of Harry/Severus
Summary: Humorous ficlet. Sometimes it's hard to tell who's playing who, or what the truth actually is.
Word count: 636
Rating/Warnings: PG13 for sexual suggestion. Mention of MPreg (but no male was impregnated for this fic)
Beta: The splendiferous bk7brokemybrain. Mwahh!
Harry was timing it: Ron had been laughing for a full three minutes. Harry glanced around the Auror Department, shrugging when other Aurors gave him the what's-wrong-with-Ron-this-time? look.
Ron pulled himself off the floor where he'd landed with a thud approximately ninety-four seconds earlier. He wiped a tear from his eye, took a shuddering breath, and said, "Really, Harry, I know you weren't brought up in the Wizarding world, but what'd you think? Just because we're magic, we can, oh, I don't know, grow a uterus or something?" He snickered a bit more.
Harry scowled, but bit back the retort that was tickling at his lips. Wizards could do all sorts of wondrous things, why was it such a stretch to think they could carry a child?
Ron caught sight of Auror Withershams and said, "Ed, guess what whopper of a lie Snape told Harry this time."
"Shut it!" Harry hissed. He glared at Withershams until the man swallowed hard and backed away.
Ron snorted. "Really, Harry, you're so gullible. I can't believe you didn't realize Snape was up to his old tricks again – trying to manipulate you. Like always. Doesn't want you going on that mission this weekend, I'd bet. I don't know why you stay with him."
It was time to shut Ron up. Harry rose from his desk and stuffed a few files into his bag. When he looked back up, he pursed his lips and crinkled his forehead rather dramatically. "I thought you knew," he whispered, trying to get his bottom lip to quiver the way he'd seen Ginny do when she wanted something from that Muggle husband of hers.
"Knew what? That Snape's a right arse? That you're mental for staying with him?"
Harry silently cast a privacy spell around them. "We spent six years in the same dorm, Ron, how did you never notice? Even Neville knows!"
There wasn't even a trace of a smile left on Ron's lips now. "Neville knows? Knows what?"
Harry shouldered his bag. As he paced over to Ron's desk, he clutched his stomach. "I think I'm calling it a day, stomach's a bit off. Severus was right. I shouldn't have even come to work today."
Ron stood and put his hands on his hips. Harry doubted his friend realized how much he resembled Molly Weasley when he struck that pose. "What does Neville know that I don't?"
Harry grimaced. He bit his bottom lip and said, "Severus wasn't the only one who had to hide his true nature during the war."
The freckles on Ron's face always stood out like beacons when he paled. Right now they were the only color on his face. "True nature? What? Harry… what's this about?"
Harry leaned close to Ron and asked, "Have you ever actually seen my cock?"
"What? No! You're shy, remember?"
Harry shrugged. "Shy? No, not really. See you tomorrow, love… err… Ron." He hid his grin until his back was turned. The bang he heard, he was sure, was Ron toppling over again.
As he stepped out of the privacy bubble and walked toward the lift, he patted the front of his trousers, silently asking for 'Little Harry's' forgiveness for that horrible misdirection. By the time he hit the lobby and was walking toward the Floo, Harry was planning his revenge against his lover. Ron would never understand how these games of one-upmanship were integral to his relationship with Severus. Without the rivalries and hoaxes, they would have tired of each other years earlier.
Devious plots of just how he'd get back at Severus swirled through Harry's mind as his body swirled through the Floo.
He particularly liked the one involving hot sauce, anal beads, and a Muggle video recorder.
Or… wait… perhaps Ginny would lend him some of her old Muggle sonogram photos….